9 Years Ago.....

I lost my brother Jeff. It was a painful and mind altering event. To me Jeff was my older and "cooler" brother. He could drive before I could. He was in high school when I was only in middle school. He had older and cuter friends. He was super nice. He had his own room and phone line which I thought was so awesome. He had a car. I still remember the day he died. It started out as every other day that summer had. I was 16 with a POS Chevy Blazer my dad had bought for me. I worked at King's Dominion as a life guard. So I went to work and worked all day. I get home to find tons of people at our house. I was confused. Why would my dad be having a party and on a weekday night. I found out as soon as I walked in the door. I was numb and didn't have anything to say. My parents were overcome with grief and our house was a sad place to be. I still remember that time like it was yesterday. I even remember what I was wearing and where everyone was sitting when I walked into the house. Jeff died in a single car accident on a two lane country road. So for a while, my parents drove me where I needed to be.

Thinking about my brother makes me sad because I think about what he has missed. He missed me graduating, he missed meeting my kids, he missed so much. I want him back. He would have been such a great uncle to my kids. Mollie knows him from his pictures all around my dad's house. My step mom wears his class ring on a chain around her neck and Mollie kisses it and says "Hi Jeff". She has been to his grave and she knows that Jeff is in Heaven with Jesus. But what else can you say to her. Jeff is only someone she knows in pictures. She knows that they go to a marble stone in a graveyard to talk to Jeff. But she doesn't understand. I want to keep him alive in my mind and teach all of my girls how wonderful their uncle was.

After 9 years I am not sure what my dad and step mom feel. My step mom lost her "baby". She cried and cried for days, weeks, months after this. I was confused. What had happened? I certainly think about what Jeff would be like today? Would he be married? What would his life be like? Would he have children? How many and how old would they be? What type of work would he be doing? Would he still have golden blond hair? Would he still love heavy metal? Where would he live? So many questions and not enough answers. So for the rest of my life, a part of my life, family and memory will be forever changed.